Grief and espresso beans

You should see my hand. The one yanked into the dumpster by the invincible Target bag with 15 pounds of used cat litter in it. (Check Comments for a reader’s clever take on the cat litter.) I think the leech that was once an important blood vessel has morphed into some weird thing. Most of the time my hand looks almost normal, almost being subject to definition. But we have these moments. After a routine hand-washing, a red patch spreads across the back of my hand sometimes with streaks of blue, sometimes with a yellow border. I hope nothing hatches out of the back of my hand. Guess it bears watching.

Missing My Things

Sunday was not a good day. I hate it when I turn on myself. I’m blindsided every time. I awoke angry followed by a recitation of stupid choices I made during the divorce. Choices the outcome of which contributed to situations like the near ripping off of my hand throwing cat litter in the dumpster.

I moved out of a life that didn’t have dumpsters. It had large, wheeled containers designed to drop the trash into rather than flinging it up and over my head. The container held only my personal garbage. It wasn’t co-mingled with other people’s trash and discarded, mushy fruit.

I could also do curbside recycling. Now I must pack it all up, get it down the stairs, and trudge off to the recycle station. I am so tempted to throw it all in the trash, but the guilt would kill me.

I miss my things. I miss my view. I miss the special wall texture and the molding installed by people who knew how to use a miter box. I miss my tiny courtyard where I buried my best cat’s ashes. I want my art and my books which I don’t have as a result of stupid choices. I want my bonsai and giant stag horn fern that all died of neglect when I left. I miss my house smell.

What I don’t miss is the life that went with those things. I don’t want that back.

My friend, Cindy can snap me out of most funks. She suggested that I focus on the things in my life I can be grateful for. Cindy’s suggestions almost always enable me to shake off whatever is disturbing my peace of mind.

Tomorrow I’ll try some grateful thinking. Tonight I’m going with four squares of espresso bean laced dark chocolate with peanut butter spread on the top.